Matzah!
by Saph Rose
Summary: Cartman has made Kyle a delicious, um, turkey sandwich, but because of some gay thing called 'Passover', Kyle won't eat it. God, Jews are lame.


The date was Wednesday, April 8.

Cartman looked at Kyle as if he had suddenly declared he was made of cardboard. He shut his eyes and said in a patient and slow voice not uncommon when he was frustrated, "I made it especially for you Kahl. What do you mean you can't eat it?"

Kyle rolled his eyes and said, "I'm Jewish, Cartman. You of all people should know that."

"What does you being Jewish have to do with this delicious grilled cheese and turkey sandwich I made for you?"

"I can't eat bread this week, fucktard!"

Cartman's face dropped. He looked at Kyle, then at the sandwich, then at Kyle again. "Kahl, you are going to eat this motherfucking sandwich or I swear to God I'll force feed it to you."

Kyle growled low in his throat, "Why did you suddenly decide to make me a sandwich anyway, fatass? Wouldn't you rather clog your own arteries?" Cartman suddenly looked sheepish and said, "Because you're one of my closest friends in the whole world and, um..." he looked at the sandwich, "Look, just eat it."

"I can't, you stupid turd!"

"Why the hell not?!"

"Because I'm _Jewish._"

"So?!"

"It's passover, Cartman!"

"What?"

"Just fuck off Cartman. You're pissing me off."

When the door was slammed in his face he ran and tapped on the window nearest to the kitchen, where Kyle was currently making himself some kind of cracker thing. "Kahl Broflovski, open this motherfucking door or I will break it the fuck down and murder you!"

There was a middle finger flashed through the window and then the curtains were pulled. Cartman let out a roar of frustration.

---

"I just don't get it Kenny. Why wouldn't he eat my sandwich?"

Kenny McCormick looked up from the 'Street Fighter: Gay GoGo Club" video game he was currently kicking Stan's ass at, much to the taller boy's frustration. "I don't know Cartman, maybe he doesn't like shit sandwiches?"

Cartman rolled his eyes, "He didn't _know_ there was dog shit in there, you poor asswipe."

"Fuck you, fatty foopa."

Cartman, in all his fat rage, directed his next question at Kyle's closer than normal best friend. "What's up your buttbuddy's ass this week, Stan? Besides your dick." Kenny snickered as he pushed Stan character down a well, and the two players traveled through time and space, finally landing in what looked like a gay strip club with the words, "Lapdance Dimension of Doom" in bright pink lights on every corner.

Stan was too busy smashing buttons furiously, trying to keep the manwhores off of his player's fragile person to pay any attention to Cartman. Upset at everybody's seeming conspiracy to piss him off, Cartman snarled and said, "God, I hate Kyle! I make him a sandwich out of the goodness of my heart, and what thanks do I get? A fucking door slammed in my face!"

At Kyle's name, Stan looked up. "What are you guys talking about?"

Kenny grinned, seizing Stan's momentary distraction to uppercut his player, sending the green scaly monster into Lapdance Hell. Kenny pumped his arms in the air and threw his controller on the ground, and proceeded to do a weird sort of wiggle-jump victory dance.

Stan blinked, "Kyle can't eat wheat this week, Cartman. He's Jewish." his eyes flickered back to the screen and seeing those two fateful words flashing across the screen he reached across and smacked the dancing boy upside the head. Unfortunately, that sent Kenny flying across the room and he hit his head on a lamp, killing him instantly.

Stan's eyes widened and he said, "Oh my God! I killed-"

Cartman interjected, "Stan, unlike you, I tend to take some things that are important, seriously. Now, what reason could he have had for turning down my sandwich?"

Stan looked away from the bleeding boy and said, "Cartman, I told you, Kyle only eats-"

Cartman suddenly snapped his fingers and said, "Of course, why didn't I think of it sooner! Kyle's still sore about when I tried to poison him with Kool-Aid last week!"

"No, Cartman. Jews aren't allowed to eat-", Stan was cut off again. He frowned. Cartman really is a retard.

"Or maybe he smelled the shit coming from the sandwich..."

Stan grabbed on to the taller boy's shoulders and turned him around to look him in the eyes. "Read my lips, fatass. It's passover. Kyle. Only. Eats. Jewish. Bread."

Cartman blinked. "What the fuck is Jewish bread?"

---

A/N: I got the idea from watching JibJab's 'Matzah' on YouTube. Don't feel bad if you didn't connect the title to the story before reading the author's note. I didn't know what Matzah was 20 minutes ago either. Look up JibJab on YouTube. You will piss you pants laughing.

HIP HOP FO' HEBREWS, BITCH.

I like the video so much I think I'll write out a little bit of the lyrics, so all you lazy people who don't want to travel all the way to YouTube can get a feeling of why I wrote this.

_I feel like a freak._

_'Cuz everytime I pull out summin' to eat,_

_but it's wheat._

_I can't do 'dis._

_'Cuz I'm Jewish,_

_and_

_I can't eat bread.  
Yeah, my Rabbi said,_

"_ONLY MATZAH!"_

_Any way you wanna eat it,_

_cold or hot_

_IT'S MATZAH!_

Also, did you notice that Stan didn't object to Cartman calling Kyle his boyfriend? That shameless hussy.

Remember kids,

_if u evar get owt go 2 zewhatanaho'._


End file.
